Satire: Unopposed 88-year-old politician wants the thrill of beating someone again | Opinion








The race to the local office eventually got too boring for 88-year-old outgoing president Greta Van Creek. She has been elected for 50 years and has not been contested for over 30 years. She sits on city council, school board, is the state representative in the House, and is part of the governor’s secret circle that decides which babies should and should not be eaten. She has effectively “ruled this city” for most of our lives.

But now she has issued a challenge. It is looking for a challenger to one of its seats after the 12th undisputed election. “I want to take someone back. Having unchallenged power over the past 30 years has been great, but I’m up for a new challenge. She then quickly left and took a number of massive pills from a pill organizer. At least one was for Alzheimer’s disease, or at least that’s what I heard.

And a number of applicants have responded to Van Creek’s challenge. A cover CEO, a “former” Long Island con artist, a recent college graduate named Kyle and Matt Campbell all threw their hats in the ring to take over Van Creek. Since she has such absolute power, this year’s election will be an all-in-one. This means that you will be able to choose the best candidate to cover all the Van Creek positions so that we “don’t have to waste everyone’s time with a bunch of unnecessary little elections”

Van Creek is currently at the top of the poles, with the finalist being Matt Campbell. When asked what his plans would be if he wins. Campbell responded by saying, “You know, I would just try to be tough and instill that tough attitude into every member of the team, I mean the community. To build a five-star city, you need a five-star culture. Am I also entitled to a salary increase?

Obviously this is going to be a close race, but in the end the real winner is Iowa State football.

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